Running Out of Patience

Four years ago we agreed to take in our 17 year old grandson that had just lost his mother when she 40 years old. He was raised in a trailer park culture with little or no supervision or discipline. A typical scenario with a step-dad in the home was that mom would give him money to get out of her hair. That he was free to do whatever, whenever he desired has left with a 100% entitlement expectation as the key part of his personality.

 During the first year some excellent things were accomplished: He received his GED. He participated in St Joseph Catholic Church’s Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults (RCIA), a nine month program and became a Catholic. He was received into the Catholic Faith completely of his own volition. When the leader of the program asked him to be an assistant table leader he declined. For the last few years he declines to go to Mass and seems to have no desire to go to church with any longer.

He has a part-time job 15 -17 hours weekly as a bus boy at a friend of ours restaurant. Looking for more work is not on his agenda despite our urging. He has accumulated a cadre of loser friends which occupy his every waking free moment. Mostly he gawks endlessly at the idiot box, and plays all sorts of with games on someone else’s expensive electronics. We charge him nothing to live in our fully furnished garage apartment, help himself to our food, wash and dry his clothes. Also he showers daily and avails himself of a razor, blades, shaving cream, etc., etc.

He will be 22 in November and my wife is afraid if we force him to leave that something bad will happen to him. As a typical male who raised and educated three children I don’t quite see it that way. I have encouraged getting in one of the services, if he can, because now even the US Military has standards. But, is content to spend every cent he earns for his own pleasure. Recently, he has been working at the restaurant 1-2 extra days a week.

What would do if you were me?

Charlie Courtois, Retired Entrepreneur

The New Crises of Enabling

That we have been indoctrinated by five decades of expecting something-for-nothing is the reason many children and grandchildren have been enabled by their parents and or caretakers. There are a few areas of my current life that this condition is critical right this minute.

A year and a quarter ago, my wife and I took on the responsibility for caring for our eighteen year old grandson. We had an apartment set-up as a guest area, and it didn't seem that we would be involved in a great deal of expense to take care of him. It turns out that there are several key issues in the lads life which were hidden from us which involved the police, a charge of "obstructing justice of an officer" that carries a misdemeanor penalty. A violation of parole led to an arrest and a large fine. Ouch! 

Next came studying for the GED, nine months, and looking for a job, and getting his drivers license. These things finally got accomplished, and one huge plus, is that he decided to join the Catholic faith, completely of his own volition and has been faithful to this commitment to this day. The piece of the puzzle that is missing is that throughout all of this time he has supposed to have been looking for employment. It hasn't happened.

Now that we have given him a deadline, and an "or else," ultimatum he has made a tiny effort towards finding work, any work. But, the real problem is that he is comfortable doing nothing. More tomorrow about enabling.